We often think that we must have more faith in God, in external circumstances and in people… that we must trust the future … that everything will turn out mostly how we want it to, or at least turn out well. But what do we do when things don’t turn out well … when our expectations don’t live up to our ‘faith’?
Over the years when I was trying so hard to have a baby I had faith that a baby would come …
I believed in a God who wanted to give me the desires of my heart. I trusted that things would work out fine … ie. that I would end up with the precious baby that lived in my dreams as if it were real. But that didn’t happen and of course there came a time when I knew it was impossible. I questioned my faith and my trust and my God. My world wobbled on it’s axis and there were moments I wasn’t sure there was any point to living if I couldn’t be a mother … two miscarriages just made that pain worse … so close and yet so far. At times the grief was almost more than I could bear.
But of course, life goes on, I survived and healed in ways I couldn’t imagine … so many encounters with God who assured me my desires weren’t misplaced … that love that I had wanted to pour into my babies found release in other ways. It’s not lost on me that I have many people in my life now who say they feel from me a mother’s love … and for that I am more than grateful.
My point here though, is really that the major lesson I learned through all of this is that my faith and trust can not be rooted in external events turning out in a particular way, or even placing that trust in others, because we are all human and will always let each other down in some way. My ultimate trust lies in knowing that whatever happens I will be OK … I will be able to handle it .. I will be able to dig deep and still find God there … walking beside me always with love and care. No matter what happens I trust myself to re-balance, to re-group, to find myself again … no matter what.
I believe this is the only way to move forward with confidence and passion … and with an open, loving and trusting heart … 
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